Every parent wants to raise their child happy and self-confident. In order for the child to develop harmoniously, it is very important that he grows up in a favorable psychological environment. Creating a comfortable microclimate in the family and trusting relationships with the child contribute to the normal development and formation of personal confidence.
You can often hear how parents compare their child with others for pedagogical purposes, or wanting to motivate. But we must remember that this method of influence negatively affects the child’s psyche. This is especially dangerous within the family. Parents who compare children run the risk of raising constantly competing strangers from those who are called to become family from the very beginning.
The first thing a child learns by comparison is a value judgment. The comparison begins with a good-bad assessment. An assessment is made of any skills or achievements of a person, but conditions, talent, inclinations and other factors are not taken into account. And this devalues a person’s personal achievements. Surely the one with whom the comparison is made will yield at some point. The dangerous moment lies in the fact that when comparing, the focus shifts in the child: instead of developing his own skills and understanding his own desires, he tries to please and get a good assessment in the eyes of others, personal aspirations lose their significance.
By comparing their child with another, parents lay the foundation for low self-esteem, the child’s personality is relegated to the background, as if he is valuable only in comparison with others, and only when this comparison wins. The feeling of being a “second-class” person forms complexes. There are difficulties in making decisions, lack of self-confidence even when you know and know how, inability to defend your point of view. All this prevents the child from developing and learning. Such children grow up comfortable for society, afraid to express themselves. Any comparison for a child sounds like “you are bad, the other is better.” There is resentment, thoughts about their own inferiority appear. It is important for parents to remember that everyone has their own pace of development, the comparison is always one-sided, because only one quality is taken and others are not taken into account.
«Olya is a good student, not like you.» And the daughter hears that it is necessary to become better than Olya, or even, «let Olya be worse than you.» The mechanism of lifelong competition is launched.
Comparing a child with an excellent student Olya, the parent does not really know Olya, the conclusion is made only on academic success. It is better to replace criticism with a search for ways to solve the problem. If there is something in the child’s behavior, studies and other things that causes anxiety, and more often it happens that it simply does not suit the parents, it is first necessary to determine if the parent is trying to correct the child for himself in order to satisfy his own ambitions? After all, comparison is the easiest way to control a person.
Instead of looking at others, teach your child to focus on himself, his own needs and desires.
You can only compare a child with the child himself in the past. In such a comparison, focus on achievements, a positive progression is very important, then it will have the desired result. “What a fine fellow you are! Today is better than yesterday, you worked hard on it. In such a comparison, there is a definition of the significance of work, discipline and work on oneself.
Comparing their child with others, parents are at great risk of discovering over time that the child has moved away, closed. And to restore the lost trust will have to work hard. It is important to remember that each person is unique. Teach your child to be self-confident, believe in your child yourself, and then the habit of comparing will be unclaimed. Every parent wants their child to be the best. But for a child to be happy, it is enough to be the very best for you.